Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
That accounts for only three of the penises
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
