I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
