his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
This can only be settled by a dance off.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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