don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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