apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
