There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
