If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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