Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
