Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
