So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
