i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
