Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We just shotgunned beers for America
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
