Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm too high and old for this...
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
