her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
