life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
