I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize