I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
