sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
