I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
