His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
