hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
