I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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