I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize