Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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