Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
where are you?
Hypothermia
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
