I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
