i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
40s are totally the cure
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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