Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
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