I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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