What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
