saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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