dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Randomize
