every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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