I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
