i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize