I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
