Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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