i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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