She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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