Ambien. No doubt about it.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
