i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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