i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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