So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize