Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
