She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
