I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
