dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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