nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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