dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
