I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
40s are totally the cure
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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