woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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