if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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