I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
