My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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