theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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