I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
