walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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