your parents love me but you hate me
My room smells like vodka and shame
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
