I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I think I am morally bankrupt
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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