Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
