i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
