Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
